LOL Dogs….Or, whatever happened to decent grammar skills?

B: Okay. So we have a bone to pick (seriously, no pun intended) with sites like:

http://ihasahotdog.com/

http://laughoutlouddogs.com/

http://icanhashotdog.com/

Are they cute? Uh, I guess. Are they gramatically correct? HELL NO. Look, we may be dogs, but this doesn’t mean that we go around without a solid understanding of the English language. Personally, I have never met a dog who uses phrases like “give meh hot dogz” or “I bark at teh skwirruls”.

M: Yeah, you guys are making us look like a bunch of idiots, and we’re not. Who started this crap anyway? I think it was some dumbass cat from LoL Cats. Those dudes are always trying to make us look bad.

B: Right. Anyway, to combat this ridiculous trend, Mocha and I have come up with our OWN brand of LOL Dog entertainment. We tackle REAL issues that REAL dogs face today. Cute dogs. Fluffy dogs. Dogs living in cool, downtown areas. Sometimes it’s not pretty…but you better believe that we’re not going on about chasing “skwirruls” or eating “hot dogz” (I would rather die, personally).

M: Yeah. AND ours utilizes upper case letters. And punctuation. And correctly-spelled words. It’s time to debunk the myth that dogs are stupid. Because we’re not. Enjoy.

Snuggie For Dogs = NO.

B: So through our online adventures we came across this positively horrific and utterly disgusting infomercial for something called the “Snuggie For Dogs”.

M: Seriously? Seriously???? Uh, do they really expect dogs to go OUTSIDE with nothing on but a small BLANKET??? They have got to be joking.

B: Forget the fact that it’s probably one of the UGLIEST things on earth. If I had wanted to look like an escaped mental patient, I would have at least thrown on some sort of straight jacket or something. They’re kind of cute with all of the buckles and stuff. Actually, now that I think about it, it sort of looks like something that a cult member would wear. I don’t know any cults for dogs though.

M: Here’s what you wear outside to battle the elements…as modeled by B and myself:

B: Now that’s what I’m talking about! Aside from the fact that I look like Tron (a cute and fluffy Tron), this coat is cool because:

1. It was bought at Target, one of my favorite stores.

2. It’s WARM.

3. It’s WATERPROOF.

4. It has REFLECTORS on it so that people won’t run me over.

DOES THE PRECIOUS “SNUGGIE FOR DOGS” HAVE ANY OF THESE??? NO!

M: And what exactly is this crap??? Dogs can’t eat popcorn!!!!!!!! What a crock!

B: Mocha and I officially would like to say:

SNUGGIE FOR DOGS = FAIL

B: Seriously, someone find Comet Hale-Bopp for this dog.

WE’RE BACK!

M: Drum roll please!!! Yes! We’re really back! We’ve had a ton of dogs and/or people come up to us and ask why we stopped writing. Well, not to heap too much drama on you all…suffice to say that it’s been kind of a hard time for us.

B: Tell them the truth! We’re the product of a broken home! That’s right, our owners got a D-I-V-O-R-C-E. I almost had a nervous breakdown due to the whole situation. They almost put me on doggie Xanax. I kid you not.

M: Okay, whatever drama queen. And they didn’t almost put you on anything. The lady in the white coat saw through your charade.

B: We were TAKEN from our house one Saturday and were forced to live in a new place. Albeit, our new place is kind of fly…so I guess it’s not all bad. BUT IT WAS TOUGH! They were going to have shared custody of us, but that didn’t work out. So now we’re in the sole custody of our female owner. I felt so bad for the guy, he really loved us.

M: Here we are a couple of months ago in the new place after our owner tried to cheer us up with a surprise grooming…as you can see, we weren’t too excited.

M: It has taken some time for us to get used to our new situation…but I think we’re finally doing okay.

B: Yes, and we’ve done it without any drugs OR therapy. I’m pretty proud of us. I may start a support group for “Cute dogs of divorce”.

M: Um, yeah, right. Anyway, we’ll be showing you more of our new pad in the coming weeks and getting back into the swing of things with new posts.

B: It’s a new era, Mocha.

M: It sure is, B.

B: You gotta love how she put ME in the foreground and you in the background though. She knows what’s up.

M: You just can’t leave it alone, can you? It’s like we never left…..

Why your dog loves toilet paper. Part two.

B: So it’s uber-boring being a dog. Mocha and I have to constantly think of new ways to entertain ourselves. Lately, we’ve been very interested in the whole genre of installation art. And as we covered before, dogs tend to favor toilet paper as their medium of choice…

M: So a couple of weeks ago, we decided to construct our latest creation…

B: We felt that this piece truly speaks volumes about the trials and tribulations that the modern dog goes through nowadays. By using the toilet paper, which is both pliable and delicious, we point out the fragile relationship between dogs and their owners.

M: Stay tuned…next time our medium of choice will be dog food!

Could your dog be addicted to Dogster? Get the facts here.

M: So we’ve been tracking an alarming trend recently…dogs who are completely addicted to Dogster, the dog equivalent of Facebook, Myspace and the like. So, to help you figure out if your dog is indeed addicted to Dogster – we give you these clues to look for:

1. Your dog suddenly disappears for hours on end, last seen holding their laptop in their paws.

2. Your dog starts making reference to new “pup pals” that they’ve acquired, yet you haven’t seen any physical evidence of said pals. Or, your dog starts whining and getting annoyed about the fact that they “don’t have enough pup pals like the Lhasa down the road who has, like, 465 pup pals”.

3. Your dog keeps on badgering you to take new pictures of them all the time, so they can continually update their photos on their Dogster profile page.

4. Your dog sleeps all day long due to the fact that they’re up all night on Dogster.

5. Every time you come back from the store, your dog asks you if you bought them any “Zealies”.

6. Your dog is severely hunched over due to improper computer posture.

Well, there you have it. If your dog exhibits any of the above behaviors, please seek out a Dogster support group or take your dog to a psychologist who specializes in Dogster addiction. Together, we can beat this.

B: Here we are, checking out our Dogster pages in a responsible manner:

Here I am, checking my pup pal count, as Mocha scavenges for a snack on the floor:

Here I am exhibiting correct laptop posture…head up, one paw on the track pad, the other firmly planted on the floor:

Fame.

B: YES! I’M BACK!!!! It’s been quite a ride lately for me (and, I guess, Mocha) after I won Wikifido’s “Pooch With Pizazz” contest http://www.wikifido.com/page/Dog+Photo+Contest+Voting. I have to say, it was all a little much for me at the beginning…the cameras…the instant fame….but I took it all in stride like a pro. Here I am being interviewed by Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show”. Oh, I had him in stitches! The audience couldn’t get enough of me!!! God…look at me!!! I look just like Angelina or Gwyneth! Jay told me later that I was one of the best dog guests that he’s ever had on the show! I totally took a ride on one of his Harleys after we shot this….

What isn’t pictured is Mocha sulking in the “Green Room”.

M: For the 50th time already….I wasn’t sulking! I was watching you intently on the plasma they had in there. Why would I sulk? They had about 7,000 kinds of dog treats for me AND someone made me a Doggie-tini.

B: Right. Anyhoo, when Ellen heard about my win, she called immediately and this was one of my favorite photos from the shoot:

Don’t I look spectacular???!!! I mean, of course Ellen looks great…but I’m actually radiating a kind of glow from the inside!

M: AND she gave us some cans of Halo dog food to take home too!!! YUM!

B: Ugh, you’re so crass….this is what I had to deal with the whole time. Even when I’m in the spotlight….all she can think about is food.

M: Uh, you love that damn Halo food too….don’t act all high and mighty now.

B: Okay, can we get back to me now? Here I am doing a photo shoot with TYRA!!! She is the coolest and she’s totally gorgeous. We had dinner and totally talked about doing “America’s Next Top Dog Model”. I, of course, would host.

After our trip, we threw a party for me and it was BANGING! I can’t tell you who exactly was there, but let’s just say that Perez Hilton said he would so write about it on his blog…..

Here I am, a tad toasted….

And here I am, reflecting on my newfound celebrity, as Mocha tries not to puke.

Andrew, you’ll always be the greatest American dog in our minds.

M: I’d like to apologize for our brief lapse in posting. You see, SOMEONE felt the need to hit the trail and campaign on behalf of themselves. Bijou is trying her darndest to win the “Pooch with Pizazz” contest, and I had to tag along, since she needed someone to help her. She’s a little…uh….unorganized.

B: Okay, so I’m unorganized. I didn’t see YOU out there kissing babies and shaking hands!

M: You weren’t kissing them. More like licking them. And they can’t vote anyway…they don’t have laptops.

B: Fine. Can we please talk about Andrew now? Okay….so the finale of “Greatest American Dog” was on last week and all we can say is DENIED! He didn’t win! WHAT were they thinking!!!??? Like that Presley dog is hot? Blech.

M: Yeah, B and I were totally pissed. Andrew should have won. Plain and simple.

B: I would have broken down and cried if it were not for the hard work I’ve had to endure on the campaign trail. At least it took my mind off of the injustice of Andrew not winning. Perhaps that will be part of my platform when I win.

M: Platform? It’s a popularity contest. Now go lick some more babies and call it a day.

B: Yes. And I must buy myself a Hilary-esque pantsuit, also.

WE LOVE YOU ANDREW! YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND HOTTEST AMERICAN DOG!

Forget about Obama and McCain. Vote for moi.

B: I KNEW IT! I KNEW I HAD IT IN ME! I’ve been selected as a FINALIST in WikiFido’s “Pooch with Pizazz” Contest!!! Yes! Stardom…here I come.

So, if you could PLEASE vote for me here, I’d be eternally grateful:

http://www.wikifido.com/page/Dog+Photo+Contest+Voting

Thank you.

My name is Bijou and I approved this message.

Why your dog loves toilet paper.

B: All of you people out there may THINK you know why your dog sneaks into the bathroom and about 20 minutes later you find toilet paper strewn all over the place…but trust me…you DON’T HAVE A CLUE. So here is the truth: Your dog is actually an artist and he/she uses said toilet paper as their paint, if you would. It’s the medium we all use. It’s pliable AND delicious. A win-win situation, really.

M: And the canvas? That’s your floor, rug etc.

B: This is something that you won’t find in ANY dog book, but we’re letting you in on a very well-guarded secret here. You see, us dogs all have an artistic side that is just waiting to be let out. Do you REALLY think that all we’re good for is just eating, sleeping, pooping and generally just lazing about the house? NO!

M: We’re all tortured artistic souls who are just waiting for the chance to express ourselves! For us dogs it’s ART OR DEATH!

B: So next time you’re going to an art gallery or a museum…take your dog along with you. Even if it’s not allowed and you can get kicked out. Or, think about enrolling your dog in an art class somewhere. Your dog NEEDS creative stimulation! GRANT THEM THEIR CREATIVITY PEOPLE!!!

Here is our latest creation. We call it “Chaos in the suburbs”.

Love Andrew. Hate Duck.

GREATEST AMERICAN DOG

B: ANDREW….YOU ROCK MY WORLD! Did you catch him on the last episode? Mocha and I were just staring at the screen in awe. The boy can sit and stay…I’m telling you. The way that he just SAT there, while all the other buffoons tried to lure him with stupid food or a toy.

M: Uh, food is not stupid.

B: Go grab another treat and let me talk. Anyhoo, Andrew didn’t FLINCH. He looked positively REGAL as he sat there. And Laurie is amazing. She’s cool, calm and collected. I think our owners could learn a lot from her. Seriously, if that boy doesn’t win…I’m going to weep like there’s no tomorrow.

M: We were so excited that he won the “Doggie Swap” challenge!! We barked so much that I’m still a little horse.

B: You ARE a little horse..aren’t you?

M: We should change this corner to “One Bitch”.

THE HOTTEST MALTESE ON EARTH!!!

MAD MEN

M: We were shocked and APPALLED as we sat and watched episode six of Mad Men, entitled “Maidenform”. I mean, we don’t usually care about this show since there are no dogs on it..but this one was different. One of the dudes on the show, named “Duck” had this beautiful dog named Chauncey. At first we thought that the Duck guy was going to give Chauncey a cocktail (which is okay in our book), but then, all of a sudden, he took Chauncey downstairs, opened the door and LET HIM GO.

B: And all Chauncey could do was just SIT THERE, as he looked at the evil Duck man. Finally, he walked away…probably to go find a cocktail somewhere else AND to get himself a better owner. What is this crap? Who does this guy think he is????

M: We’re going to start a “I hate Duck” club. Anyone with us?

EVIL HAS A NAME…AND THAT NAME IS DUCK.