Top ten things your dog is really thinking.

M: We’ve been hanging out on the deck this weekend with nothing to do. So, to keep ourselves entertained, we started to compile a list of what we, as dogs, really think about you, our owners and what we would really like to tell you is on our minds. Take heed, people. Learn from us. Your dogs will thank you.

Here we are….brainstorming.

10. IS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR YOU TO ACCOMPANY US ON EVERY WALK?

Seriously. How about you just pack a light lunch for us, along with a compass, map, treats and something to drink and then send us on our way. We’ll be fine. A search party will only be necessary if we’re gone for more than, let’s say, two days.

9. WE’LL GO TO THE BATHROOM WHERE AND WHEN WE DAMN PLEASE.

Sure, you have your precious toilet! But us? Well, we have sidewalks, grass, decks, sand, rocks, newspaper and the all-holy pee pad. Here’s something….why don’t you teach us to use your precious “throne”? Do you think that we like the fact that we have to wait for YOU to get off of your ass and open the door for us to go out? Think about THAT next time we squat on your newly-cleaned floors or carpet and you start your yelling and screaming. Bad dog my ass.

8. PLEASE STOP ALL FORMS OF VERBAL DIARRHEA.

We can understand maybe 4 words out of 20, yet you continue to talk, talk, talk. We don’t care! Go and watch some “Charlie Brown” specials and listen to the teacher. That’s what you sound like. Oh, and can you PLEASE stop your weird singing too? Again, we have no idea what you’re rambling about and you can’t carry a tune.

7. IF YOU WANT TO DRESS SOMETHING UP, GET A DOLL – OR A BABY.

This one should be totally self-explanatory. Please refer to our older post entitled “Stop dressing us up in s**t”.

6. STOP HAVING SEX LATE AT NIGHT. IT AFFECTS OUR SLEEP.

Oh, you know who you are. The music. The screaming. The smelly candles. I don’t care what breed of dog you are, it’s REALLY hard to keep sleeping when Barry White is blaring. And why do you people keep laughing? What’s so funny?

5. STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY ON FRIVOLOUS THINGS LIKE VACATIONS AND CARS.

Recession, shmecession. The only thing you should be spending your money on is your dog (or dogs). Come on people, there are TONS of amazing and cool products that are out there for us. Go BUY them. Cesar Millan has a new line of uber-expensive crap at Petco. We NEED that orthopedic lounger for $70. Is it really too much money if it will make us happy? Go see what the celebrities are buying for their dogs and get us the same stuff. Or more stuff.

4. BELLY RUBS SHOULD EITHER BE A LAW OR SHOULD BE WRITTEN INTO THE CONSTITUTION.

We don’t just LIKE belly rubs…we NEED them. Without them there is no reason to live life. We feel that you should spend AT LEAST 40 minutes a day at the absolute MINIMUM giving us belly rubs. Didn’t you read about how we lower your blood pressure? So there you go, this will help you live longer. Thank you’s are not necessary…just give us a damn belly rub. Now.

3. WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU LEAVE US EVERY DAY AND IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?

Are you going to get us treats? To buy us more toys? Because when you come back we don’t see big bags full of stuff for us. Do you disappear into thin air? Are you standing on the other side of the door for the whole period of time? Why do you find this necessary? We really can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to spend the whole day with us….every day….365 days a year. You clearly don’t care about us at all. Shame on you.

2. WHY DO WE HAVE TO DEPEND ON YOU FOR FOOD AND TREATS?

Um, we can handle this. All you need to do is leave all of your cans, bags and whatnot with us, along with anything that can help us open said things. Do you not feel that we are mature enough to dole out our own stuff? Who made YOU the ruler of the food and the treats? You have some sort of complex apparently and we’re not happy about it at all. Maybe we should put a lock on your precious refrigerator and tell YOU when WE FEEL you should eat. Yeah. That’s right. We said it.

1. PLEASE CREATE SOME SORT OF SHRINE FOR US IN YOUR HOUSE.

A wall to showcase our adorable pictures. A shelf showing off our amazing accomplishments. A whole us-themed room. We’re not picky. But PLEASE make sure that when people walk through the door, they are awestruck by our cuteness and overall lovability. Also, we should be the ONLY topic of conversation that anyone talks about in your home, 24/7.