Why your dog loves toilet paper. Part two.

B: So it’s uber-boring being a dog. Mocha and I have to constantly think of new ways to entertain ourselves. Lately, we’ve been very interested in the whole genre of installation art. And as we covered before, dogs tend to favor toilet paper as their medium of choice…

M: So a couple of weeks ago, we decided to construct our latest creation…

B: We felt that this piece truly speaks volumes about the trials and tribulations that the modern dog goes through nowadays. By using the toilet paper, which is both pliable and delicious, we point out the fragile relationship between dogs and their owners.

M: Stay tuned…next time our medium of choice will be dog food!

Could your dog be addicted to Dogster? Get the facts here.

M: So we’ve been tracking an alarming trend recently…dogs who are completely addicted to Dogster, the dog equivalent of Facebook, Myspace and the like. So, to help you figure out if your dog is indeed addicted to Dogster – we give you these clues to look for:

1. Your dog suddenly disappears for hours on end, last seen holding their laptop in their paws.

2. Your dog starts making reference to new “pup pals” that they’ve acquired, yet you haven’t seen any physical evidence of said pals. Or, your dog starts whining and getting annoyed about the fact that they “don’t have enough pup pals like the Lhasa down the road who has, like, 465 pup pals”.

3. Your dog keeps on badgering you to take new pictures of them all the time, so they can continually update their photos on their Dogster profile page.

4. Your dog sleeps all day long due to the fact that they’re up all night on Dogster.

5. Every time you come back from the store, your dog asks you if you bought them any “Zealies”.

6. Your dog is severely hunched over due to improper computer posture.

Well, there you have it. If your dog exhibits any of the above behaviors, please seek out a Dogster support group or take your dog to a psychologist who specializes in Dogster addiction. Together, we can beat this.

B: Here we are, checking out our Dogster pages in a responsible manner:

Here I am, checking my pup pal count, as Mocha scavenges for a snack on the floor:

Here I am exhibiting correct laptop posture…head up, one paw on the track pad, the other firmly planted on the floor:

Fame.

B: YES! I’M BACK!!!! It’s been quite a ride lately for me (and, I guess, Mocha) after I won Wikifido’s “Pooch With Pizazz” contest http://www.wikifido.com/page/Dog+Photo+Contest+Voting. I have to say, it was all a little much for me at the beginning…the cameras…the instant fame….but I took it all in stride like a pro. Here I am being interviewed by Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show”. Oh, I had him in stitches! The audience couldn’t get enough of me!!! God…look at me!!! I look just like Angelina or Gwyneth! Jay told me later that I was one of the best dog guests that he’s ever had on the show! I totally took a ride on one of his Harleys after we shot this….

What isn’t pictured is Mocha sulking in the “Green Room”.

M: For the 50th time already….I wasn’t sulking! I was watching you intently on the plasma they had in there. Why would I sulk? They had about 7,000 kinds of dog treats for me AND someone made me a Doggie-tini.

B: Right. Anyhoo, when Ellen heard about my win, she called immediately and this was one of my favorite photos from the shoot:

Don’t I look spectacular???!!! I mean, of course Ellen looks great…but I’m actually radiating a kind of glow from the inside!

M: AND she gave us some cans of Halo dog food to take home too!!! YUM!

B: Ugh, you’re so crass….this is what I had to deal with the whole time. Even when I’m in the spotlight….all she can think about is food.

M: Uh, you love that damn Halo food too….don’t act all high and mighty now.

B: Okay, can we get back to me now? Here I am doing a photo shoot with TYRA!!! She is the coolest and she’s totally gorgeous. We had dinner and totally talked about doing “America’s Next Top Dog Model”. I, of course, would host.

After our trip, we threw a party for me and it was BANGING! I can’t tell you who exactly was there, but let’s just say that Perez Hilton said he would so write about it on his blog…..

Here I am, a tad toasted….

And here I am, reflecting on my newfound celebrity, as Mocha tries not to puke.

Andrew, you’ll always be the greatest American dog in our minds.

M: I’d like to apologize for our brief lapse in posting. You see, SOMEONE felt the need to hit the trail and campaign on behalf of themselves. Bijou is trying her darndest to win the “Pooch with Pizazz” contest, and I had to tag along, since she needed someone to help her. She’s a little…uh….unorganized.

B: Okay, so I’m unorganized. I didn’t see YOU out there kissing babies and shaking hands!

M: You weren’t kissing them. More like licking them. And they can’t vote anyway…they don’t have laptops.

B: Fine. Can we please talk about Andrew now? Okay….so the finale of “Greatest American Dog” was on last week and all we can say is DENIED! He didn’t win! WHAT were they thinking!!!??? Like that Presley dog is hot? Blech.

M: Yeah, B and I were totally pissed. Andrew should have won. Plain and simple.

B: I would have broken down and cried if it were not for the hard work I’ve had to endure on the campaign trail. At least it took my mind off of the injustice of Andrew not winning. Perhaps that will be part of my platform when I win.

M: Platform? It’s a popularity contest. Now go lick some more babies and call it a day.

B: Yes. And I must buy myself a Hilary-esque pantsuit, also.

WE LOVE YOU ANDREW! YOU ARE THE GREATEST AND HOTTEST AMERICAN DOG!

Forget about Obama and McCain. Vote for moi.

B: I KNEW IT! I KNEW I HAD IT IN ME! I’ve been selected as a FINALIST in WikiFido’s “Pooch with Pizazz” Contest!!! Yes! Stardom…here I come.

So, if you could PLEASE vote for me here, I’d be eternally grateful:

http://www.wikifido.com/page/Dog+Photo+Contest+Voting

Thank you.

My name is Bijou and I approved this message.

Why your dog loves toilet paper.

B: All of you people out there may THINK you know why your dog sneaks into the bathroom and about 20 minutes later you find toilet paper strewn all over the place…but trust me…you DON’T HAVE A CLUE. So here is the truth: Your dog is actually an artist and he/she uses said toilet paper as their paint, if you would. It’s the medium we all use. It’s pliable AND delicious. A win-win situation, really.

M: And the canvas? That’s your floor, rug etc.

B: This is something that you won’t find in ANY dog book, but we’re letting you in on a very well-guarded secret here. You see, us dogs all have an artistic side that is just waiting to be let out. Do you REALLY think that all we’re good for is just eating, sleeping, pooping and generally just lazing about the house? NO!

M: We’re all tortured artistic souls who are just waiting for the chance to express ourselves! For us dogs it’s ART OR DEATH!

B: So next time you’re going to an art gallery or a museum…take your dog along with you. Even if it’s not allowed and you can get kicked out. Or, think about enrolling your dog in an art class somewhere. Your dog NEEDS creative stimulation! GRANT THEM THEIR CREATIVITY PEOPLE!!!

Here is our latest creation. We call it “Chaos in the suburbs”.

Love Andrew. Hate Duck.

GREATEST AMERICAN DOG

B: ANDREW….YOU ROCK MY WORLD! Did you catch him on the last episode? Mocha and I were just staring at the screen in awe. The boy can sit and stay…I’m telling you. The way that he just SAT there, while all the other buffoons tried to lure him with stupid food or a toy.

M: Uh, food is not stupid.

B: Go grab another treat and let me talk. Anyhoo, Andrew didn’t FLINCH. He looked positively REGAL as he sat there. And Laurie is amazing. She’s cool, calm and collected. I think our owners could learn a lot from her. Seriously, if that boy doesn’t win…I’m going to weep like there’s no tomorrow.

M: We were so excited that he won the “Doggie Swap” challenge!! We barked so much that I’m still a little horse.

B: You ARE a little horse..aren’t you?

M: We should change this corner to “One Bitch”.

THE HOTTEST MALTESE ON EARTH!!!

MAD MEN

M: We were shocked and APPALLED as we sat and watched episode six of Mad Men, entitled “Maidenform”. I mean, we don’t usually care about this show since there are no dogs on it..but this one was different. One of the dudes on the show, named “Duck” had this beautiful dog named Chauncey. At first we thought that the Duck guy was going to give Chauncey a cocktail (which is okay in our book), but then, all of a sudden, he took Chauncey downstairs, opened the door and LET HIM GO.

B: And all Chauncey could do was just SIT THERE, as he looked at the evil Duck man. Finally, he walked away…probably to go find a cocktail somewhere else AND to get himself a better owner. What is this crap? Who does this guy think he is????

M: We’re going to start a “I hate Duck” club. Anyone with us?

EVIL HAS A NAME…AND THAT NAME IS DUCK.

I think I need a trademark – By Mocha.

So I was surfing the net, minding my own business, and for the heck of it I decide to Google my name. What do I find? Well….THIS:

Mocha the hamster?????? How can I compete with that? It’s tiny. It’s eating broccoli. It’s doing weird and fun stuff with its legs. I can’t compare to that crap. This hamster is clearly a more popular Mocha than I am.

Then I thought of how I could differentiate myself from all other pets that have my name. A TRADEMARK! Something unique! Some shtick that’ll make me stand out from the crowd! Something like Niecy Nash and her flower…

So HERE IS MY NEW TRADEMARK….Ta Da!

ONE BOW! NOT TWO BOWS….ONE BOW! Isn’t that awesome!!!!

B: OMG…….You are SO LAME!

We’re like the Perez Hilton of dogs.

GREATEST AMERICAN DOG

B: Okay…so we’re officially in love with Andrew, the Maltese. Not only is he TOO CUTE, but he’s got major cohones too. He stood up to an ELEPHANT and didn’t even flinch! Seriously, we were drooling when we were watching him. We also thought he was truly hot as he climbed up that huge blue wall. I could have totally done that, by the way, if it was a catwalk.

M: Yeah, right. You’re afraid of heights. You can’t even jump on the couch like I can.

B: Whatever. Andrew would TOTALLY go out with me over you. The really sad thing is that Bill and his “orange dog”, Star, got booted off the show. We love that guy! He’s hilarious!

M: Too bad Star couldn’t fly. She would have looked like a baby carrot…flying through the air.

B: That’s downright poetic, Sis. Maybe there’s some hope for you yet.

HOT!!

PET STAR

M: So we just caught an episode of this on Animal Planet. Seriously, who came up with this schlock?

B: Um, MARIO LOPEZ? Why? Why? Why? He’s not hot nor cute. And what’s up with the judges? Gena Lee Nolin? Dom Irrera? The guy that played J. Peterman on Seinfeld? We can’t even believe that this show lasted for three whole years. Ugh. Blech. I have nothing else to say.

M: Wow, that’s a first.

NOT!

Top ten things your dog is really thinking.

M: We’ve been hanging out on the deck this weekend with nothing to do. So, to keep ourselves entertained, we started to compile a list of what we, as dogs, really think about you, our owners and what we would really like to tell you is on our minds. Take heed, people. Learn from us. Your dogs will thank you.

Here we are….brainstorming.

10. IS IT REALLY NECESSARY FOR YOU TO ACCOMPANY US ON EVERY WALK?

Seriously. How about you just pack a light lunch for us, along with a compass, map, treats and something to drink and then send us on our way. We’ll be fine. A search party will only be necessary if we’re gone for more than, let’s say, two days.

9. WE’LL GO TO THE BATHROOM WHERE AND WHEN WE DAMN PLEASE.

Sure, you have your precious toilet! But us? Well, we have sidewalks, grass, decks, sand, rocks, newspaper and the all-holy pee pad. Here’s something….why don’t you teach us to use your precious “throne”? Do you think that we like the fact that we have to wait for YOU to get off of your ass and open the door for us to go out? Think about THAT next time we squat on your newly-cleaned floors or carpet and you start your yelling and screaming. Bad dog my ass.

8. PLEASE STOP ALL FORMS OF VERBAL DIARRHEA.

We can understand maybe 4 words out of 20, yet you continue to talk, talk, talk. We don’t care! Go and watch some “Charlie Brown” specials and listen to the teacher. That’s what you sound like. Oh, and can you PLEASE stop your weird singing too? Again, we have no idea what you’re rambling about and you can’t carry a tune.

7. IF YOU WANT TO DRESS SOMETHING UP, GET A DOLL – OR A BABY.

This one should be totally self-explanatory. Please refer to our older post entitled “Stop dressing us up in s**t”.

6. STOP HAVING SEX LATE AT NIGHT. IT AFFECTS OUR SLEEP.

Oh, you know who you are. The music. The screaming. The smelly candles. I don’t care what breed of dog you are, it’s REALLY hard to keep sleeping when Barry White is blaring. And why do you people keep laughing? What’s so funny?

5. STOP SPENDING YOUR MONEY ON FRIVOLOUS THINGS LIKE VACATIONS AND CARS.

Recession, shmecession. The only thing you should be spending your money on is your dog (or dogs). Come on people, there are TONS of amazing and cool products that are out there for us. Go BUY them. Cesar Millan has a new line of uber-expensive crap at Petco. We NEED that orthopedic lounger for $70. Is it really too much money if it will make us happy? Go see what the celebrities are buying for their dogs and get us the same stuff. Or more stuff.

4. BELLY RUBS SHOULD EITHER BE A LAW OR SHOULD BE WRITTEN INTO THE CONSTITUTION.

We don’t just LIKE belly rubs…we NEED them. Without them there is no reason to live life. We feel that you should spend AT LEAST 40 minutes a day at the absolute MINIMUM giving us belly rubs. Didn’t you read about how we lower your blood pressure? So there you go, this will help you live longer. Thank you’s are not necessary…just give us a damn belly rub. Now.

3. WHERE DO YOU GO WHEN YOU LEAVE US EVERY DAY AND IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?

Are you going to get us treats? To buy us more toys? Because when you come back we don’t see big bags full of stuff for us. Do you disappear into thin air? Are you standing on the other side of the door for the whole period of time? Why do you find this necessary? We really can’t understand why you wouldn’t want to spend the whole day with us….every day….365 days a year. You clearly don’t care about us at all. Shame on you.

2. WHY DO WE HAVE TO DEPEND ON YOU FOR FOOD AND TREATS?

Um, we can handle this. All you need to do is leave all of your cans, bags and whatnot with us, along with anything that can help us open said things. Do you not feel that we are mature enough to dole out our own stuff? Who made YOU the ruler of the food and the treats? You have some sort of complex apparently and we’re not happy about it at all. Maybe we should put a lock on your precious refrigerator and tell YOU when WE FEEL you should eat. Yeah. That’s right. We said it.

1. PLEASE CREATE SOME SORT OF SHRINE FOR US IN YOUR HOUSE.

A wall to showcase our adorable pictures. A shelf showing off our amazing accomplishments. A whole us-themed room. We’re not picky. But PLEASE make sure that when people walk through the door, they are awestruck by our cuteness and overall lovability. Also, we should be the ONLY topic of conversation that anyone talks about in your home, 24/7.